Number FIVE and Seasons

Number Five!!

My sister and I, both pregnant together again,.

That's right.  We are adding a fifth baby to our busy, full home.  We are welcoming another child into the happy chaos that exists in our home daily.  And we know.  We know it is busy, even crazy at times.  We know our home (and our checkbook!) is small.  And still, we rejoice.  We rejoice that we are adding more love and more joy.  We are living in the season of diapers and naps and pacis and sippy cups, snuggles and laughter and mispronounced words and silly jokes, toys and messes and helpers and food cut into small pieces.  It is a sweet season that I do not want to go too fast.  I love being a mama, and I am thankful, so thankful, that we are growing our family and adding more love.  We choose this.  We choose to grow our family.  We choose this expansion of love.

Now, I do want to be honest that the past three months have not been all sweet-season around here.  I found out I was pregnant, rejoiced, started feeling sick just about a week and a half later, and basically entered a sort of survival mode for the next ten weeks (including a huge pause on my blogging).  And we have, indeed, survived.  That is the thing about seasons, though, huh?  They always come to an end.  And this one, although difficult, has not lasted forever.

Not feeling oneself (physically) has a way of wearing on the soul (emotionally).  It was a few hard months for me, and at first, I was afraid to admit that.  I was afraid that if I admitted that I didn't feel well most every day, that I was getting discouraged with my lack of ability to handle food and to make meals and to open my fridge without a wave of sickness or possible vomiting, that it would mean I am not grateful, that I am complaining.  And the last thing I want to be is a pregnant complainer.  How could I complain about morning sickness when there are countless women who yearn to be a mom and fill that empty womb and don't have that option??  I am happy to be pregnant.  So. very. happy.  But one day, I realized that it is also a gift to be real.  And my reality was that it was HARD.  So very hard.  And I was struggling.  Struggling to get through my days, overwhelmed from feeling behind on life, unable to keep up, much less get ahead of myself.  Fighting for joy when I felt miserable.  Trying to gain perspective when I sometimes just cried instead.  Praying, sometimes only whispering, "Jesus.  Jesus."  Sometimes that was all I could do.  Cry out for some help, some encouragement, a bit of strength to make it through the day until my husband would be home and I could at least have someone by my side to fight the day with.  Now, not all days were bad.  We went apple picking and traveled to St. Louis.  We visited pumpkin farms and went on playdates.  But overall, this season, this trimester was hard and yucky and sometimes, very dark for me.  And it was freeing to say that out loud.  To tell my people that I wasn't doing well.  To admit...THIS. IS. HARD.  Even though I know it is a blessing to be pregnant and wouldn't want it any other way.  Even though I know so many women have it way worse.  Even though I found a medicine to help me (blessing upon blessing!).  It was still hard.  That was my reality.  And that was okay.  Sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes we hit survival mode.  Sometimes we have to eat a little more fast food.  Sometimes we have to cry on the phone.  Sometimes we have to let go of the chores.  Sometimes we just have to let our friends bring over dinner and do our laundry and carry us through.  That is life, isn't it??  And the beautiful would be so much less beautiful without the ugly.  The ugly gives us perspective, gives us comparison, gives us even more reason to rejoice in the beauty.  There are blessings all around, and I, for one, am trying to count mine.  My list today starts with this precious baby growing inside of me, and a body that feels more like myself.  It also includes friends that have encouraged me, prayed for me, mailed me a card, or given me a gift card to pick up pizza.  A mom that sends me home with a pan of pasta.  A friend that doesn't care if I show up late because I have been throwing up.  A husband that does the dishes at night while I exist on the couch.  Kids that clear the dishes because they know Mommy doesn't feel well.  A church that lays their hands on me and prays.  Prays for healing.  Prays for encouragement.  And helps me lift my gaze.

These past few months, I have had a harder time lifting my gaze.  But it is good, so very good, to try.  To try to lift our gaze when life feels hard.  To try to look around at our blessings when we don't feel well.  To push through a day at a time.  Because this too shall pass.  All seasons come to an end.  Even the hard ones.

I am thankful to have had a few days of feeling well again to remind me how much I love being a mom.  How I am living out exactly what I want to be doing...homeschooling my children, growing our family, working at our marriage, trusting God for all that we need, loving on all around me as best as I can every single day.  So thankful that this life is mine.

And I can even say that I am thankful for these past few months, because out of the darkness comes light.  Out of the ashes comes beauty.  And I am rejoicing for all that God has done for me.

Baby #5, we cannot WAIT to meet you.  We all love you so much.  You are already a part of our family, and we are thrilled to welcome you into our home.  Your brothers and sisters kiss you in Mama's belly every day, and we talk about you all the time.  We are so excited that you are already the size of an avocado, and your life growing inside of mine is the most amazing miracle I could ever imagine.  You are loved, precious one.

We choose you.