No More Perfect Moms

Do you ever look at another mom and wonder how they are doing what they're doing?  Does it ever seem like everyone around you has it all together?  Do they seem to look perfect, always have clean houses, wear size 2 jeans, never yell at their kids, always do cute crafts, always baking and cooking from scratch for their families?

Well, this past weekend, I had the privilege of attending the national Hearts at Home conference with this very theme of perfection at its core.  It is a conference to encourage and equip moms in their most sacred role as mother.  And that is exactly what it was to me...such an encouragement in my marriage and my mothering.  

The most powerful session for me came from the founder and head of Hearts at Home, Jill Savage.  The whole theme was "No More Perfect Moms," and she encouraged us to set realistic expectations, to be honest with our own failures, and to stop comparing ourselves to others.  She urged us to stop pursuing "perfect."  She challenged us to give ourselves and other people the freedom to fail and make mistakes.  Because when we are in such search of perfection, and IMPERFECT shows up, we don't know what to do with it!  (And we often don't respond well!)

She says the following:

If we expect life to be imperfect, messy, and sometimes challenging, we will not hide our reality from others because we won't feel like we've failed.

If we expect failures and mistakes, we won't be so disappointed.

If we are pursuing perfect, and imperfect happens, we respond with anger, shame, and unforgiveness.  What if we replaced being perfect with being perfected?

She goes on to say that if we are pursuing being perfected instead, we can offer others love, forgiveness, and grace.

Jill calls this dangerous trap we find ourselves in the "perfection infection."  When we start looking through this lens, it can became a problem.  We start to feel like a failure.  So what if we took off our masks and were honest with others?  Maybe others would be more open to share their "stuff" if you share yours?  "Honesty begets honesty," Jill says.  When we are able to take off our masks, it helps others and brings freedom.  And don't we all long for that freedom??  The freedom that is found in Jesus Christ?  Well, he offers us freedom in authenticity...and THAT is when we can experience contentment.

In an effort to encourage others towards authenticity, so freedom and contentment can abound, I want to share with you a picture into my world, as Jill Savage so openly did with hers.  She showed pictures of each of her family members and talked about what is behind the pictures, behind the smiling faces, behind the perfect outsides.  She was honest in showing the imperfect insides, and I admired her deeply for her courage to do so.  So here is our family...and our imperfections.  (Now, my children are all still little and are experiencing normal, childhood struggles, but I still want to share.  I believe that as we practice taking off our masks now, it will become a habit for us as we move forward in life.)

What you see here is my baby girl who just turned one.  She is happy and sweet and the cutest baby you have ever seen.  And she IS.  She seems quite content with her little world.  But what you don't see is her lack of sleeping through the night, her habit of nursing when she wakes up, and our default of co-sleeping because we are too tired to know to move her back to her crib.  What you also don't see is her propensity to colds and ear infections, which means she has spent many, many days just wanting to be held.

What you see here is the most happy and precious and vivacious of two-year-olds, thrilled to the bone with the joy of life.  And she IS.  This girl loves life like no other.  But what you don't see is her smacking her brother at 6:00 this morning, saying "NOT sorry!" when I asked her to apologize.  What you don't see are her constant messes and destructive endeavors (can you say markers on my couch, table, and lamp?).  She is willful and stubborn and so independent.  She goes into her crib daily for time outs, and she is learning to be obedient and kind.

What you see here is an adorable, happy four year old, complete with the bluest of eyes and the most charming of smiles.  And he IS!  He is happy and charming and smart!  He loves his little world.  But what you don't see are his meltdowns when life is hard and when he is asked to pick up toys, a sometimes constant state of being overtired from waking up too early, a general lack of compliance, and a tendency to chase his sister through the house in order to snatch a toy he wants.

What you see here is my oldest son, happy with life and a brilliant little intellect.  And he IS.  He is happy and brilliant and so very kind.  What you don't see is that he can stomp away in anger when life doesn't go his way, throwing a little 6-year-old-fit.  He can be mean to his brother.  He can have the hardest time focusing on a simple task he has been asked to do.  Getting dressed can take this kid twenty minutes.

What you see here is a mom, happy with her stay-at-home wife and mom-to-four role.  And I AM!  I am so happy, and I love my life.  But that does not mean I have got it all together.  What you don't see is that sometimes I feel like I am fourteen, hurting when I feel left out or think someone doesn't like me or have time for me.  What you don't see are stretch marks and extra baby weight.  What you don't see is me putting my kids' bagels on paper towels at breakfast so we have less dishes to wash.  What you don't see is that I am praying daily for more patience with my children, as I have gotten in the destructive pattern of yelling at them when they are not listening to me.  What you don't see is that every once in awhile, when I am so tired and worn out and feel the demands of life weighing on me, I just have a good, long cry.

What you see here is a man enjoying life and doing an amazing job fathering his four children and being husband to me...and he IS!  He is doing amazing, and he is happy.  But what you don't see is that he has struggled on and off through the years with clinical depression and anxiety.  He daily takes medication so he can be himself, and he has spent hours and hours in counseling and deliverance sessions, seeking healing from past hurts and patterns of thinking.

Now, please hear me on this, I do not say these things to complain about my children or to portray our lives in a negative light.  I love my family, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And I am ever-learning to welcome and expect my children's mess ups so I can teach them and train them under my care.  But I do share these things for the FREEDOM of authenticity, for the power of HONESTY and AWARENESS that we do NOT have it all together.  There are NO perfect moms.  And we have GOT to start living in the truth and freedom that this brings!

Are you struggling with this "perfection infection?"  What masks could you take off?  Can you adjust the expectations of yourself (and of others!) so they are realistic?  Can you boldly step out into honesty in order to experience more freedom and to offer others that gift?  Would you even dare to comment below on what makes you an imperfect mom?  You are safe here.

There are NO perfect moms.